Grieving & recovery | healingfromtrauma

Grieving, complicated grief & recovery..

In a normal grief situation such as a separatation/divorce or death of a loved one, there are 5 stages of grief.

The 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial

'this can't be really happening to me', looking for the person that you have lost in familiar places, waiting for that person to call. Not crying or accepting the loss.

2. Anger

'why me?, feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce or for death, or being angry at the deceased.

3. Bargaining

Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4. Depression

Overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5. Acceptance

You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth.

Grieving the loss of your childhood

Grieving the loss of the childhood you never had can be more traumatic & complicated than losing another person. The healing process can be longer, it can take a lifetime of swinging between all of those five stages listed up above and at the end of the day reaching the final stage of acceptance is like the shedding of a skin after years of peeling the layers off.

The four stages of grieving the loss of a childhood are:

1. Denial

Nothing bad happened to me, I didn' t miss out on anything. Sure my parents never showed me love but that is ok, that is normal. I wasn' t abused it was just a different way of showing me love. I am not the product of my youth. I am not affected by the things that happened to me.

2. Anger

Feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with the ones that took your childhood away. Anger at the fact that you never had the childhood that others seem to have. Questions of why me? and who were they to do that to me?Rage at the injustice of the childhood you had.

3. Depression

Overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had as a child. Mourning the loss of not having a loving relationship, a mentor, playing like other kids, all that you should've had but didn't. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb, feeling like life is pointless, that it will never get better, that you are hopeless and your life is pointless. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

4. Acceptance

The realisation that it isn't your fault that all the things happened. Accepting that your childhood was not in your control. Accepting that you didn't have all the happy experiences of the other children and understanding that what you make with your adulthood is up to you. Acceptance of the fact that what happened did happen and that they did have an affect on you. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing, working through each thing and growing from them. Our goals turn toward personal growth.

The grieving process between losing a person and the loss of a childhood are similar in many ways though bargaining doesn't play as great a role in the latter. No matter what anyone says there is still a process that we go through in order to heal from bad childhoods. Not many of us have perfect childhoods filled with love and fun. Whether we decide to accept it for what it is, is our decision.

Some may get stuck in one of the first three stages, they may say things like 'Oh well it happened but I am not affected' or 'Why did I have to be the one to get such abuse, why could they not have just loved me!'

Facing our childhood is one of the hardest and most traumatic things that any adult has to do. There is no right or wrong way of dealing with it but can we ever be truly 'free' without facing it? Without going through the grieving process and reaching that end acceptance?

Recovery

Recovering from a lost childhood or an abusive childhood is a long process, which sometimes doesn't actually start until people hit rock bottom.

It can take a long time for some people to realise that they are depressed, or self-destructive or choosing unhealthy relationships over and over again. It is hard to understand that we may be repeating patterns of behaviour modelled by our parents. It can also be a matter of maturity to actually understand what a therapist is telling you in therapy, when you get to the point of actually realising that you would benefit from one.

I personally started seeing a therapist when I was 16, but what I learnt then and what I learnt when I was 22 and then 26 was completely different. I had a greater understanding of certain things when I was older after the same mistakes were made more than once. I also had to hit rock bottom to actually feel really ready to face my pain, start grieving and really dig deep into my past. I was already in emotional agony, so it was actually a good motivator to get better.

It has been a very long process for me, as 'life gets in the way' too and you can't always focus on your recovery or have therapy as frequently as might be necessary. It is firstly expensive & secondly its best to stay with one therapist for a long time that you connect with and that really helps you move forward. Unluckily for me, I moved around a lot so had to change therapists often. This was unsettling for me, especially after I had found someone that helped me make the most progress in my journey of recovery.

Do you have a story of recovery or grief from a 'lost childhood'? Did you find that sometimes when you felt like you had moved forward in your recovery, something would happen and push you 3 steps back ?

It really is an ongoing process and nobody can put a time frame on either. Everyone is different, everyone's experience is different & everyone reacts to their experience in their own unique way.

Always remember to be kind & gentle with yourself, your emotions, your reactions, your pain, your anger or your frustration.

This too shall pass..Take it a day at a time if you have to, or an hour at a time...

Give yourself the love & understanding that you may have been starved of as a child..