My Child Within- Healing from Trauma

 

How do different disorders manifest from a dysfunctional upbringing?

 

 

From my own personal background I developed the following illnesses and disorders: Generalised anxiety disorder, codependency, avoidant personality disorder, depression, anxiety & C-PTSD. It seems like a lot for one person but people tend to have varying degrees of certain disorders and don't necessarily have all the characteristics.

I have been seeing therapists and counselors every since I was 16 on and off. Some have helped me understand things on the surface, and others have helped me change my life completely. My first problems were depression, low self esteem & trying to self soothe with smoking weed for a period of 6months when I was still a teenager. My mum was abroad getting my sibling help & I was alone most of the time feeling neglected & unloved. I hated that I felt so low & had no confidence in myself, but my first therapist explained to me that I was forced to become too mature too soon and didn't have a normal family situation. I wasn't nurtured enough as a young child and also because of my sibling's special needs I naturally became overly responsible, had more pressure on me to be perfect & couldn't quite manage to satisfy my parent's wants & needs. This fluctuated with being overly smothered one minute & then abandoned the next. I remember feeling incredibly alone when I finished school and my parents had just split up. My mum was abroad depressed and crying down the phone to me and my Dad was out on dates & holidays with new women. I had insomnia for 3 months and barely slept.

 This home environment made me very codependent at a young age. I ended up ignoring my own feelings & needs and instead always focused on my family's needs. This has been going on almost my whole life, as it is so easy to get sucked into the unhealthy pattern of supporting my parents emotionally. Over the years I have been more aware of what happens and with the help of a therapist & with attending a few CODA meetings, I understood that I had to take a step back and look after myself first. Setting boundaries has been very hard and I am still getting used to this new way of being. It's like learning something completely new from the beginning that feels completely unnatural to you and on top of that you are shamed constantly by the very people that are supposed to love you unconditionally.

 

At the age of 20 I had my first full blown panic attack and then after an undetected kidney infection, a month of viral labyrinthitis & trying to support my parents through their divorce I ended up having terrible anxiety to the point of feeling agoraphobic. I was at university at the time studying Art & had already struggled through the first 2 years. I also had my first proper relationship with a narcissistic guy, who enjoyed embarassing me in public, flerting with other women, yet telling me he loved me.With the help of a counselor I dealt with my panic attacks & agoraphobia, but I wasn't able to understand why I was in such a dysfunctional relationship. I knew I deserved better deep down, but felt so toxically tied to this guy. Familiarity stays with you into adult life, no matter how dysfunctional. I managed to get my Bachelors in the end, even though it was such a challenge. All my psychological issues were still primarily undealt with. I hadn't managed to get to the root of my problems yet.

 

When I finished university I eventually split up with this guy after he cheated on me with his flatmate. I was heartbroken but happy it was over, as I was tired of feeling so worthless and used.

I then started a new relationship with a guy who I had been very good friends with for awhile who I considered 'safe' in comparison to the last guy. He was a virgin, so I felt like he couldn't hurt me. I was however aware of the fact that we were in different places emotionally. This relationship lasted for 3 years and it was very smooth in comparison to the last. This guy had a troubled past like me due to both his parents having personality disorders, so he was a little too into drugs, alcohol & porn. When we finally moved in together in our 3rd year, I discovered that his addiction to porn was far greater than I could have anticipated. It was so hurtful as he was my best friend & partner. He was the closest person I had at the time and I had my first breakdown when I decided with the help of a therapist to split up with him. He was hurting me too much and eventually slept with a prostitute to see what it was like 'to have sex with another woman other than me'. He was honest and told me, and then hoped we could still be together! My abandonment trauma was triggered full blast and I was clinically depressed wanting to die without him.Our bonding was just too strong due to our friendship before the relationship. This was my first time on anti-depressants at the age of 26.I felt like a complete failure. My mum had been on anti-depressants for years and I hated becoming like her! I desperately wanted her support after this break up and instead of being supportive, she called me pathetic! She was the queen of projection! 

The end of this relationship was the best thing that happened to me, as it enabled me to start my recovery in a very deep way and I had an extremely good therapist to help me out of my traumas, my codependency, my choice of abusive partners and my low self esteem. It was from this year (2008 onwards) that I feel like I have been recovering properly as I was finally ready to really do all the painful work in therapy. Making a lasting change towards a better future,was all that mattered.

 

I enjoyed being single and focusing on 'me' for once in my life. I got creative with my art and enjoyed seeing lots of live music.I did many exhibitions selling my artwork and felt like I was getting somewhere. I also worked in childcare to sustain a steady income. I continued therapy for 2 years and made so much more progress. I still had another failed relationship with another 'emotionally unavailable partner' but this only lasted 9 months, again with the help of my therapist.  I realised I wasn't ready yet to let go and find a healthy partner.

 

Unfortunately I still struggle with low self esteem & avoid challenging jobs in social environments. I also find it hard to do anything that makes me the 'center of attention' and started getting anxiety every year on my birthday, which was a new experience for me. I always enjoyed socialising with friends and celebrating my birthday, but I started to get anxious about having too many friends there. I also find it hard doing things that some people take for granted like cycling on roads with traffic, or learning to drive. Anything that has too much responsibility scares me, even though I still work in caring jobs. My last job was in a care home for the elderly, which some people would find too scary with too much responsibility but somehow this is my comfort zone.

 

In general, my recovery has been slow but nonetheless beneficial to me. I managed to marry my husband, which is a huge accomplishment for someone who has huge insecurities & abandonment fear. I also had to accept that I am actually lovable despite all my problems. Yes there are still things that I want to work on, like learning to drive again and taking a bike out with my husband, but there is still time and there is still hope. As long as I work on dealing with each issue one at time, I will eventually succeed. My avoidant nature will most likely always be there, but with small steps this can be improved. My GAD will also always be there, as I still have a lot of healing to do in regards to my post traumatic stress and I will always worry about my sibling's special needs and what might happen in the future when our parents are gone. Some moments feel unbearable but others are hopeful. I have recently started anti-depressants again and in therapy again to work on grieving my parents and moving forward in a more healthy way. I will be trying EMDR therapy too, to help alleviate my PTSD symptoms. I really hope it works!

 

If anyone has a story they want to share with me, then please feel free to do so in the comments bar below. Hugs, Emma x